


Monsters

by Kittenmommy



Series: Loki and Pepper Potts: Conversations, Drinks, and Other Really Bad Ideas [14]
Category: Marvel Avengers Movies Universe, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Humor, Established Relationship, F/M, Going behind Loki's back is a really bad idea, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Jotunn!Loki, Language, Loki Does What He Wants, Loki Has Issues, Mild Sexual Content, Papa Bear!Loki, Proof that Tony Stark has a heart, Tony Stark needs a drink, Tony Stark swears a lot, Warning: Loki
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-02
Updated: 2012-08-02
Packaged: 2017-11-11 07:02:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/475853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kittenmommy/pseuds/Kittenmommy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Stark…”</p><p>“Shut up, Loki.  <i>I.  AM.  TALKING.  NOW!</i>” </p><p>He rubs his bandaged neck with one hand.  </p><p>“Or I’m <i>trying to</i>… I have a sore throat because I was just <i>strangled by a god or insane Jötun Frost Warrior or whatever</i> and <i>it is my turn to talk now, Loki</i>!”</p><p>Sequel to my fic <i>Hope</i>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Monsters

**Author's Note:**

> _The Avengers_ belongs to Marvel, and I'm not making any money from this.

Tony is standing in the MRI control room, watching as Bruce confers with another doctor. 

They’re both bent over the shoulders of the machine’s operator, watching as the images appear on the screens.

“Look at that,” Dr. Michaels murmurs, pointing at the screen. Her voice is disbelieving. “The entire structure is disintegrating as we watch.”

Bruce shakes his head. “I’ve _never_ seen anything like this. Do you think – ”

The room is suddenly _freezing_.

“Uh oh,” Tony has time to say, and then an absolutely _livid_ Loki is standing there among them.

He’s in his black and emerald leathers and his matching sectioned leather duster, and he looks like fifty different kinds of _pissed_.

He grabs Tony by the neck and slams him against the wall.

“What goes on here, _Stark_?” he hisses angrily, and now he’s got Tony pinned against the wall by the throat, holding him there effortlessly with only one hand.

“Um…”

“ _ANSWER!_ ” Loki shouts, right up in Tony’s face and Tony suddenly realizes that he can _smell_ Pepper on him but this would probably be a _really_ bad time to mention that.

Tony takes a breath.

“It – it – it…” Tony says intelligently. 

And oh shit, Loki’s pale skin is bleeding into dark blue and his eyes are changing from gemstones to blood and it’s so cold now that Tony can see his breath when he exhales.

There is a crackling sound and Loki is raising something in his free hand, something that looks like an icicle except that icicles don’t generally come with sharply honed edges and oh God, how did they _ever_ think that going behind Loki’s back where his daughter is concerned was any kind of good idea _at all_?

And just when Tony thinks that this whole mess cannot _possibly_ get worse, he hears Bruce inhale shakily and he looks over to see him pressing his hands to the sides of his head.

“I… I think I need to remove myself from this situation,” he says quietly.

“Oh _fuck_ ,” Tony says.

Absurdly, a line from an old Kenny Rogers song flashes through Tony’s mind: _You’ve gotta know when to walk away, and know when to_ run _._

“I’m sorry, Tony,” Bruce apologizes. “But I…”

“Go, Bruce!” Tony tells him. “I’ll be fine. Just _GO!_ ”

Bruce hurries out the door.

“ _STARK!_ ” Loki shouts. He gives him a good shake that rattles his teeth for emphasis and now he’s got Tony’s undivided attention again.

“Loki,” a soft voice says, and Tony can see Dr. Michaels coming up behind the enraged god very slowly and quietly. “Loki,” she repeats, and very gently lays a hand on his free arm, the one with the icicle knife.

Slowly, Loki turns slightly to look at her.

“I’m Doctor Amanda Michaels,” she says, and she’s speaking in the sort of soft, comforting tone that one might use to soothe a spooked animal or a frightened child. 

“Do you remember me, Loki? From the other day?”

He makes a noncommittal sound.

“And Cheryl,” Dr. Michaels continues, motioning at the technician at the controls. “Remember? You said that we’re both ‘the same kind as Heimdall’ and you asked if we too ‘are gifted with the far-seeing eye’.”

“Mmm.”

“You told Cheryl that her braids are beautiful. And then we had you lie in a machine so that we could take pictures of your head. Remember?”

“Yes.”

“And it didn’t hurt, did it?”

“No.”

“Well, that’s what we’re doing with your daughter right now. It’s a different machine, but the concept is the same. It’s not touching her and it’s _not_ hurting her. _I promise._ Look, come over and see.”

After a moment, he allows her to lead him to the control desk where Cheryl sits. He doesn’t release Tony, though; he simply drags him along by the neck like a child with a ragdoll.

“Look, Loki. See?” Dr. Michaels points at the screen that shows Hel’s face. 

She’s talking… maybe? Whatever she’s doing, she’s smiling like she’s having the time of her life.

“Cheryl, put the intercom on. Let him talk to her.”

Cheryl flips a switch and says into the microphone, “Hel?”

Now Loki can hear that Hel is singing along with the music that’s playing inside the tube where she lies: “ – the taste of her cherry Chapstick – ”

Cheryl does something and the music stops.

“Hel.”

On the screen, Hel frowns.

“Yes, Cheryl? Is something wrong? The song has stopped!”

“Your dad is here. Tell him how you’re doing.”

Her frown deepens. 

“Father?”

“Yes,” he replies immediately. “I am here, Hel.”

“But… you weren’t _supposed to know_! _They weren’t supposed to tell you!_ ”

“Didn’t really have a choice,” Tony chokes out, earning another teeth-rattling shake.

“Tell me what, Hel?”

“ _Tell him!_ ” Tony manages, and gets shaken again for his troubles. He suddenly begins to claw frantically at the icy hand on his neck. “He’s _strangling_ me!”

“Father! _Stop it!_ Tony and Bruce are trying to _fix_ me!”

Loki blinks.

“They’re… _what_?”

Hel sighs.

“They believe that perhaps with their medicine and their science they can do what none of your magic or potions or workings could: they are trying to lift my curse so that I can live outside of Niflheim. _I_ asked them not to tell you, because they may fail and I did not want to give you hope.”

Loki seems to _wilt_. 

His shoulders sag, and he releases his grip on Tony’s neck almost as an afterthought.

His skin flows from blue to pale, and the icicle knife in his hand melts away.

Tony is gasping for air and rubbing his bruised, frost burned neck.

“Are we OK here now, Loki?” Dr. Michaels asks gently. “May we continue?”

“What? Yes. Yes, of _course_. _Please._ ”

He turns to Tony.

“Stark – ”

Tony backs away without even thinking about it.

“I’ve… I’ve gotta get some air,” Tony says. 

He can feel Loki’s eyes follow him as he walks out.

* * *

Tony’s neck has been treated and bandaged, and now he’s sitting at a table in the hospital cafeteria.

“I need a fucking drink,” he says. 

Bruce puts a cup of coffee down on the table in front of Tony.

“ _Not_ really what I had in mind.”

“This is a _hospital_ ,” Bruce reminds him. “They don’t have a bar.”

“They _should_ ,” Tony says, and then looks up. “Hey, I _own_ this hospital… I think I’m going to make some changes around here!”

Bruce laughs and takes the seat across from him.

“Seriously, Bruce. The visitors would _love_ it. And the patients… man, we could offer a wine list with patient meals!”

Bruce shakes his head. “I’m not sure that the other doctors would approve.”

“Fuck ‘em. I’ll fire ‘em. _All_ of them.”

“Oh, sure, _that’s_ a good plan.”

“And then I’ll put _you_ in charge. Yeah, that’ll work.”

“In charge of _who_? You’re firing all the other doctors, remember?”

“Shit. I knew there was a fatal flaw in that plan somewhere. That happens sometimes. I usually manage to spot them sooner, though.” 

“Stark,” a quiet voice says behind him.

“Bruce,” Tony says without turning around. “Is that Loki?”

“Yes.”

“Would you be a dear? Please tell him that in the future, after he _fucks my ex-fiancée_ he might want to take a shower when he rolls out of bed because otherwise when he shows up out of nowhere to _fucking kill_ the people who are _attempting to help his daughter_ , he _just might_ reek of sex and Pepper. And I mean ‘Pepper’ with a capital ‘p’, not the kind of pepper you put on your food.”

Bruce clears his throat and shifts uncomfortably in his seat.

“Uh… I’m… not actually going to repeat all that, Tony. I can see the look on his face, and I’m pretty sure he heard you.”

Tony hears Loki sigh heavily.

“Stark,” he says very quietly. “I owe you an apology. Several of them, in fact.”

And now Tony is so angry that he can barely even _think_. 

He comes to his feet and rounds on Loki.

“Oh you think so, huh?” he asks sarcastically. “What in the name of _fuck_ is wrong with you? What kind of fucking _monster_ do you think I am, Loki?”

Something in there makes Loki flinch, but he remains silent.

“Didn’t we just _a few hours ago_ have a conversation about how damaged and innocent Hel is? And then you _seriously_ think that I’m the kind of guy who’d turn around and do something awful to her, something that might _hurt her_ even _more_?”

“Stark…”

“Shut up, Loki. _I. AM. TALKING. NOW!_ ” 

He rubs his bandaged neck with one hand. 

“Or I’m _trying to_ … I have a _bitch_ of a sore throat because I was just _strangled by a fucking god or insane Jötun Frost Warrior or whatever the fuck_ and _it is my turn to talk now, Loki_!”

Tony is suddenly aware that he’s yelling, that he’s creating a scene and that most of the cafeteria has fallen silent, watching.

 _Bet this’ll be on YouTube in a few minutes,_ he thinks. _And Pepper’s gonna be_ pissed _._

Loki is watching him expectantly.

“It’s _your_ turn to talk now, Tony,” Bruce reminds him, absolutely deadpan.

“Yeah,” Tony says quietly. “I think I’ve actually said all I have to say.”

And with that, he pushes past Loki and walks out.

* * *

_Several hours earlier…_

A small noise wakes her, and she rolls over as she feels the mattress dip.

“Loki?” Pepper asks sleepily.

“Yes. I am sorry; I did not mean to wake you.”

She looks at the clock on the nightstand.

“It’s almost four in the morning.”

“I had to see to Hel. And then I paid Stark a visit.”

“Oh, Loki,” she groans. “Did you threaten him?”

“Possibly.”

“You _did_ , didn’t you?”

“And do you blame me, you who were once his betrothed?”

She sighs. 

“No, I guess not. But if he _does_ hurt her, it won’t be deliberate. He’s thoughtless, not _malicious_.”

“I did not think that he was.”

She sighs again. “I know.”

“Let us not speak of him any more tonight.”

“This morning,” she corrects. “Hel is lovely, by the way. Very sweet girl.”

“She is older than you by millennia.”

“Yeah, well, she _really_ doesn’t seem like it.”

“I know.” He puts his arm around her and pulls her close.

“Loki?”

“Mmm?”

“Am I… ah… ever going to meet your other children?”

His laugh is short and bitter. 

“You should not wish for such a thing.”

“Hel isn’t quite what the legends suggested. I’m sure the rest of your children are just as – ”

“They are monsters.”

“No, Loki, they’re _your children_!”

“Yes, and I love them with all of my heart. But there is no denying what they are. I know not whether some curse was laid upon me or if it is my Jötun blood… but _they are monsters_. I birth and father monsters.” 

“Loki – ”

“You have asked me before about Sigyn, and now I shall tell you: When first I took her to wife, we loved each other well. Later, I got sons on her.”

He is quiet for a moment.

“And she _never_ forgave me for it.” 

Pepper really doesn’t know what to say to this.

“I will share your bed and lie with you, but know now that even if I should take you to wife, you will get no children from me, Pepper Potts. There will be no more monsters.”

She sighs. “It’s… look, I’m not really the maternal type anyway.”

“I think you have a great capacity for love,” he says softly, stroking her cheek in the darkness. “And I sometimes wonder what you are doing with _me_.”

“That’s an easy one,” she murmurs. “I’m loving you.”

And she pulls him close and shows him.

* * *

Pepper is woken by thunder and the sound of rain pounding on the windows. 

She registers that it’s daylight now, and then she snuggles closer to Loki and drifts back to sleep.

The rain continues to pound.

“That’s some loud rain,” she says sleepily. Beside her, Loki stirs and murmurs something in a language she can’t understand.

“Brother!” a new voice booms, and Pepper’s bedroom door doesn’t just burst open; it pretty much _explodes_.

A very concerned-looking Thor is striding into the room. He’s in full armor and swirling red cape, and he’s hefting Mjölnir meaningfully.

Pepper is suddenly fully awake.

“Loki – ” she begins, but Thor is striding over to his side of the bed.

With one smooth motion, he grabs the covers and pulls them off and throws them on the floor.

Pepper shrieks and futilely tries to cover herself with her hands and arms.

“Thor!” Loki exclaims, and then nothing more because Thor has pulled him out of bed with his free hand and is crushing him against his body.

“Brother, I had thought you _lost!_ ” Thor cries… _literally_ , for there are tears running down his cheeks.

Pepper takes this opportunity to slide out of bed and search for her bathrobe, which thanks to Thor is now tangled up amongst the covers on the floor rather than neatly draped across the foot of the bed.

“Thor! Unhand me _instantly_!” she hears Loki say indignantly.

She finally finds her robe and pulls it on and when she turns, she sees that Thor has released Loki.

And he’s staring at her, and his face is as red as his cape.

“This is an inopportune time,” Thor finally says.

Loki has retrieved a sheet from the floor and wrapped it around his waist.

“And what was your _first clue_ , Thor?” Loki asks acidly. “It seems that you and I are going to have to have that talk yet _again_ , aren’t we? That talk about what doors are intended for.”

“Knocking _upon_ , not knocking _down_ ,” Thor mumbles guiltily, eyes downcast.

“ _Very_ good,” Loki praises sarcastically. “Let’s see how long the lesson sticks _this_ time.”

“He’s… done this before?” Pepper asks.

Loki rolls his eyes.

“ _Constantly._ I think that perhaps he has seen Sigyn without clothing more often than I!”

Thor’s blush deepens.

“I am truly sorry, brother. And Lady Pepper. I have no excuse for my shameful behavior.”

He looks so much like a scolded puppy that Pepper just sighs.

“All right, Thor, you’ve had your cheap thrill for the morning,” she says. “So, moving on… who wants coffee?”

* * *

Thor puts Mjölnir down on Pepper’s kitchen counter with a _thunk_ and goes to sit at the table with his brother, who is still wrapped in his sheet.

Pepper puts a steaming mug of coffee down in front of Thor, and then goes to the freezer to get ice. 

A moment later, she hands Loki a glass of iced coffee before grabbing her own mug of coffee and sitting with them.

“So…” Pepper finally says. “Thor?”

“I did not come when you were injured, Loki, because Heimdall knew not of it. Whenever I would ask after you, he said that he could neither see nor hear you. I thought that perhaps you wished to be, ah, _alone_ with Lady Pepper, and so thought nothing of it.”

Loki is frowning.

“This is troubling. I cast no such spell upon myself, Thor. And even had I done so, it would have broken when I was dead.”

“Yes,” Thor agrees, and sips his coffee. “When Father woke from the Odinsleep, I returned to Stark’s Tower In The Sky, where I learned what had transpired from the Fury, who thought that I might find you here.”

“Next time, _knock first_ ,” Pepper admonishes, and watches Thor blush deep red again.

“I shall remember, Milady,” he replies sheepishly.

“I would not wish to wager on that,” Loki murmurs.

Thor looks down at his coffee, and Loki finishes his own coffee with a rattle of ice.

“More?” Pepper asks, and Loki shakes his head.

“Thank you, no.”

Pepper looks at the clock. “It’s _eleven_ ,” she says suddenly. “How did it get so _late_?”

“We were abed quite some time,” Loki says with a grin, and Thor’s blush deepens.

“OK, moving along,” Pepper says in an obvious let’s-change-the-subject sort of way. 

“Yes,” Thor says with obvious relief. 

He looks up at Loki. 

“Oh,” he says, just remembering. “I saw Hel today, in the company of Stark and Banner. She was – ”

“What?” Loki asks sharply.

Thor grins hugely. “She looked better than I have ever seen, brother. She even greeted me with a hug.”

Loki is still trying to get a handle on this.

“She was with Stark and Banner?”

“Yes. They were leaving Stark’s Tower In The Sky together in the back of a great black car… none would tell me to whence they were going. But they told me to promise that I would not tell _you_. They did not realize that I could promise no such thing, and did not notice when I did not actually swear to keep their secret.”

Loki rises to his feet, clutching his sheet around his waist.

“Loki, I’m sure there’s an explanation,” Pepper says, also standing. “Let me get my phone, and we’ll call Tony.”

“No,” he says quietly. “ _I_ shall find Hel and deal with this.”

He shimmers briefly and now he’s wearing his black and emerald leathers and long leather duster.

“Loki – ” Pepper begins, but he’s already gone.

She sinks back down into her chair and puts her head in her hands. 

“Oh no,” she groans. “What in the world is Tony doing?”

* * *

_Some time later…_

Bruce watches Tony storm off through the hospital cafeteria in a cloud of black rage.

He sighs.

“Come on, Loki. Have a seat.”

Loki glances at him, distracted. “What?”

“Have a seat, and I’ll explain what we’re doing. All right?”

With a sigh, Loki takes the seat that Tony has just vacated.

“I owe you an apology, Doctor Banner. I should not have… _upset_ you so. I endangered this entire hospital with my behavior, and I am truly sorry.”

Bruce blinks.

“OK,” he finally agrees. “Just… next time, try to stop and _think_ , Loki. I know she’s your daughter and I understand how fragile she is. But we’re not your enemies and even if we were, we would _never_ deliberately harm an innocent.”

“Yes,” Loki agrees, eyes downcast. “I appreciate that now. I sometimes – as you said – do not think clearly or well where my daughter is concerned.”

“I completely understand.”

“Have _you_ any children?” Loki suddenly asks.

Bruce smiles bitterly.

“No, and it’s probably for the best if it stays that way. Any child of mine…”

“Would be a monster,” Loki finishes softly.

“Yeah.” Bruce smiles wryly. “I’m 'the mindless beast that makes play he’s still a man' – right?”

Loki winces. 

“That was not well done of me to say.”

Bruce shrugs. 

“Why not? It’s the truth, isn’t it?”

“No,” Loki says slowly. “No, Doctor Banner, I don’t think that it is. _You_ were not _born _a monster.”__

There is a moment of silence.

“Call me Bruce,” he finally says with a smile. “Now, OK. That machine we have Hel in right now is called an MRI, which stands for Magnetic Resonance Imaging. There are several things we hope to learn from this test…”

* * *

Tony is in his workshop, staring down at the iPhone that's in pieces on his workbench. 

AC/DC is blaring through the speakers, helping him think.

“Sir,” JARVIS interrupts. “You have a visitor seeking admittance.”

“Busy now, JARVIS.”

“It is Mister Laufeyson, sir.”

“Tell him to fuck off… go fuck a horse or a Snow Cone or something.”

“I shall perhaps choose a more tactful way to express your sentiments, sir.”

“Oh, whatever, JARVIS… wait a minute, he’s ‘seeking admittance’?”

“Yes, sir.”

Tony frowns. “He usually just shows up whenever and wherever the fuck he wants.”

“I should note that he specifically told me to inform you that he has taken a shower. And he also appears to be carrying _two_ bottles of your favorite scotch, sir.”

Tony laughs softly, shaking his head.

“All right, JARVIS. Why the fuck not? Kill the music and send him in; let’s see what the Insane Frost Warrior wants.”

“Frost Giant,” Loki’s voice corrects, making Tony jump.

“ _Jesus!_ Stop _doing that!_ You’re gonna give me a fucking heart attack one day!” 

His eyes go to the bottles Loki is holding. 

“Let me guess: Banner tattled on you to Pepper, right?”

He frowns. “I have no idea what you mean, Stark.”

“He told Pepper about today, right? The hospital?”

“No. Not to my knowledge.”

“Huh. Well, fair warning: Banner’s good for that kind of thing. Do something stupid or reckless or dangerous, and he’ll go running to Pepper and then he’ll tell you that ‘it’s for your own good’ like that makes it any fucking better.”

“I shall keep that in mind.”

“Oh, hell. Here, gimmee,” Tony says, reaching for one of the bottles. 

Loki puts them both on the workbench and looks down at the dismantled iPhone, obviously curious.

“New project from Fury,” Tony explains, going to fetch some glasses. “He wants me to figure out a way to communicate with Asgard so we can make sure that Thor is always aware of… well, whatever developments he needs to know about.”

“Mmm,” Loki says vaguely, poking at the parts with one long finger.

Tony returns with the glasses, opens a bottle, and pours out drinks for both of them.

“I’m trying to decide if I can modify an existing device or if I need to try to come up with something entirely new. Here,” he says, handing a glass to Loki. 

“I asked Thor for help, but he couldn’t even explain how that rainbow bridge of yours works… at least not in scientific terms. He made it sound like magic.”

Loki smiles slightly at this. “Yes, to him the Bifröst must seem like magic.”

Tony sips his drink. “It’s not?”

Loki frowns. “It is… difficult to explain.”

“There’s a Doctor Foster out there who seems to think it’s an Einstein-Rosen Bridge. Is it?”

“I am not sure what that is.”

“Remind me to give you some reading before you go. Or better yet... hey, JARVIS,” he begins.

"I shall see to it, sir."

There is a long silence while they both drink.

“Stark,” Loki finally says. “I have wronged you.”

Tony waves his hand. “Listen, now that I’ve had time to cool down, I get it. I really do. Hel’s your daughter, and she – ”

“No, Stark,” he interrupts. “What you said earlier… about how I could ever think you capable of such things… you were correct. I have wronged you, and I am truly sorry.”

He begins to walk around the workshop, stopping every once in a while to examine things that catch his eye.

“My children are monsters, and no one has ever tried to _help_ any of them before now. You and Banner are the first. And even if there is nothing to be done, I will never forget that. However this ends, I will be forever in your debt.”

He picks up something from a workbench, studying it.

“And if you wish to try to win back Pepper’s heart, I shall not stand in your way.”

Tony is astounded.

“You and Pepper… you broke up?”

Loki turns to him, frowning. “If I understand your vernacular correctly, no. We are still together.”

“And you’d – ”

“Yes, Stark,” he says softly, and Tony can see in Loki’s eyes how much it would cost him. 

“ _Jesus,_ ” Tony says, running a hand through his hair. 

He doesn’t even have to think about it. 

“No, Loki. Don’t do that. She’s happy. _You_ make her happy.”

“Do you think so?”

“Loki, I _know_ so. If you left her, she’d be devastated. And besides… I wouldn’t ask you to do that. It wouldn’t be fair… to _either_ of you. Come on,” he says, and holds up the scotch bottle. “More booze.”

Loki comes over and offers his empty glass.

“What do you have there?” Tony asks.

Loki holds up the Iron Man helmet he’d picked up from the other workbench.

“Yeah, it had a big dent in the top,” Tony said, sipping his drink. “Spent half the afternoon pounding it out. Fucking Doombots.”

Loki sets his drink down and studies the helmet.

“What do you see from in there, Stark?” he asks curiously.

Tony’s had just enough scotch…

“Put it on,” he says. “Try it.”

Loki stares at him.

“No, no. Really!” 

He strides over and takes the helmet out of Loki’s hands. He does something to the sides and the helmet opens up. “Here, like this, see?”

He hands it back to Loki.

“Go ahead,” he says, and watches as Loki cautiously puts on the helmet.

“I… am _Iron Man_!” Loki’s muffled voice says, and then: “I can’t see _anything_.” 

“I know. Hey JARVIS, power it up for him.”

“Is that wise, sir?”

“Nope, sure isn’t. Do it.”

“Yes, sir,” JARVIS says, sounding resigned.

Tony watches as the helmet powers up and locks into place, the eye slits lighting up from within as the HUD comes online.

Loki takes a staggering step back as though suddenly overwhelmed.

“How do you _stand_ this, Stark?” His voice sounds strange coming through the mask.

“Dunno,” Tony says with a shrug. “Just used to it, I guess.” 

He downs his scotch and watches, laughing, as Loki staggers around. 

_You know what would be even_ funnier _…_ he thinks.

“Hey, JARVIS, let’s put him in the suit!”

“No!” Loki protests immediately.

“He will not fit, sir,” JARVIS informs him. “Your armor is built to your physical specifications, and Mister Laufeyson is four inches taller than you.”

“Take this thing off me, Stark!”

Tony goes over to him. 

“Hey, stay still,” he says, laughing. He reaches up and pulls the manual release, and the HUD powers down as the helmet opens. Tony pulls the helmet off and puts it on the workbench.

Loki takes several deep breaths and runs his hands through his hair, and then he reaches for his scotch and downs it in a single gulp.

“That was _terrible_ ,” he finally says, and Tony is laughing harder than ever now.

Loki’s eyes narrow.

“Very well, Stark. We shall see how _you_ like it!” and now he’s holding something in his hand, it’s long and gold and shiny and – 

Loki suddenly plops that huge stupid fucking horned helmet on Tony’s head, and Tony immediately stops laughing.

“Shit, this thing’s _heavy_!”

“Yes, Stark, I know!” Loki agrees, now _he’s_ the one who’s laughing.

“How do you hold your head up?” He tries to turn his head. “And I can’t move my neck! How do you wear this crazy monstrosity?”

Loki shrugs. “I am just used to it, I suppose.”

It takes Tony a moment to realize that Loki is pretty much repeating his own words back to him.

“Very funny! Damn, I don’t know how you do it. My neck is already beginning to hurt!”

He pulls the helmet off and hands it back to Loki. 

“Come on, let’s take the scotch upstairs where it’s more comfortable.”

* * *

They are in the living room of Tony’s penthouse in Stark Tower. They’ve made it through one bottle of scotch and are now working on the second.

“I am to return to the hospital the day after tomorrow,” Loki is telling Tony. “They wish to put me in the same machine that they used on Hel today, and compare the results.”

“Makes sense. How did she do today?” Tony asks.

Loki sighs. 

“They had her there for many hours, long enough that they could see… the, ah, complete progression. She hates for people to see her that way… the… decay… it spreads over her entire body.”

“Jesus, that’s _awful_ ,” Tony says a bit muzzily. “That poor girl. I can’t even imagine…”

“Yes. It is… difficult to watch.” 

“Mmm.” Tony leans back against the sofa and closes his eyes. 

“I’m sorry, Loki,” he mumbles. “Sorry you’ve had such a shitty deal in life. Laufey, that scumbag, and that rat bastard Odin. Getting roofied by a crazy stalking Frost Monster… having a bunch of monster kids. _Jesus_.”

“Well. That is an _interesting_ summary of my life story, Stark.”

The only answer is a loud snore.

Loki sighs, finishes his drink, and is gone.

* * *

_Shit!_ Tony thinks wildly as he gazes frantically around his workroom. _Shit, shit,_ shit _!_

The intercom buzzes.

“Stark, where the _fuck_ are you?” Fury’s voice demands. “The meeting began twenty minutes ago! Get your ass up here!”

With a sigh of resignation, Tony heads for the meeting.

* * *

When he enters the conference room, everyone looks up at him. They’re all here today: Fury. Clint and Natasha, sitting very close. Bruce with his cup of herbal tea. And Thor with a plate of doughnuts and a huge mug of coffee.

“Nice of you to join us, Stark,” Fury says sarcastically.

“Yeah, I, uh…” He goes to the empty seat and sits.

“Where are we on Project Phone Home?” Fury asks.

“I am still unsure that it can be done,” Thor says. “With the Bifröst closed, none may enter or leave Asgard. And it cannot be left open, for the consequences would be dire.”

“Did you get anywhere with that phone, Tony?” Bruce asks.

Tony shifts uncomfortably in his chair.

“I… uh… not really.”

“Incoming FaceTime call,” JARVIS suddenly says. “Priority One.”

“I thought you were going to work on it last night,” Natasha says with a frown.

“Putting it on screen now.” JARVIS says.

“I was… busy,” Tony says vaguely.

Fury is staring at him. 

“ _Busy_ , Stark? What are you not telling me?”

“He was busy getting drunk with _me_ ,” a new voice says, and they all turn to look at the screen.

It’s Loki, standing against a backdrop of stars.

“And what he is not telling you is that I have taken his phone.”

“Where the _fuck_ are you, Laufeyson?” Fury asks.

Thor is grinning.

“I know where he is! He is standing on the Bifröst!”

At the same moment, Loki turns so that now they can see something big and golden behind him.

“Gentlemen… and Lady.” Loki says, grinning. “Welcome to Asgard!” 

FINIS.

**Author's Note:**

> The song lyrics that Tony (mis)remembers in the MRI suite are from "[The Gambler](http://www.4shared.com/mp3/TdHjkIhk/1039_The_Gambler.html?)" by Kenny Rogers. I probably hadn't heard that song for thirty years until I hunted it down yesterday, and I was suddenly struck by what a _clever_ song it is. Give it a listen. (Hint: it's not _actually_ about gambling...).
> 
> Hel was singing along to "I Kissed A Girl" in the MRI. Looks like she's shaping up to be a Katy Perry fan. Hmm, I didn't really expect _that_.
> 
> I've taken some liberties with Loki's children with Sigyn; I'm pretty sure that they weren't monsters in the mythology.
> 
> Thor not understanding what bedroom doors are for was inspired by the fic [_Chained_](http://archiveofourown.org/works/357663) by Lunik.
> 
> [FaceTime](http://www.apple.com/mac/facetime/) is an Apple video chat application that works across all Mac platforms.


End file.
